Preparing for the Ups/Downs

Yesterday and today were difficult days - more for me than for Matthew.  It seems like a combination of it being a week today that Alexander passed and the constant fear of the other shoe dropping.  Matthew has a different attending this week - Dr. Orly Levit, who is great.  We first met her when we got admitted back at 22 1/2 weeks.  I think she noticed I was out of sorts today, and asked to speak with both Sean and I about our expectations.  She tried to assure us that Matthew was OK for right now, but also prepare us for the fact that at any moment things could change.  That at some point we will be getting some sort of phone call - whether it is for a blood transfusion, infection, NEC, or something else.

The Good

Matthew was stable today, which again is good.  His feeds are up to 7cc per feed, and we may be nearing the time when they no longer follow a prescribed protocol for feedings.  This means that they might up his amount of breastmilk twice a day depending on how he tolerates it.

Matthew also got a second ultrasound of his head today.  We were there while they did the ultrasound, but I didn't want to look at the images (I did the same thing with ultrasounds of Alexander and Matthew after we first ruptured).  Sean had done some googling of brain images beforehand, and so he felt confident saying the images seemed OK.  Luckily he was right - when we called later to check on Matthew we got the great news that the scans were clear.


The Bad

Matthew was on room/21% oxygen, but today seemed to want a little more (usually around 23%).  Dr. Levit said she was not concerned about this, but of course to me it seems like a setback.  We walked in just as he was having a desat, which was a little unnerving.  Sean made a good analogy when we were speaking with her - the NICU we know is a rollercoaster filled with ups and downs.  But for us, so far we have only experienced two courses.  One is Matthew's, which has been fairly stable, and the other is Alexander's which was just straight down.  Any little deviation in Matthew makes us/me feel like we are on Alexander's trajectory.  I know in my mind that is not true, but often times the mind knows one thing but the heart feels another.


The Ugly

Luckily no ugly for today.  Again fingers crossed it remains that way.