Arrangements

Today marks the two week anniversary of Alexander's passing.  Sean had to meet with the funeral home today while I went up to visit Matthew.  Clearly this is something that no parent should ever have to do.  I even hate the fact that this statement seems so cliche.  It's amazing that although Alexander and Matthew are identical twins, both Sean and I came to the same conclusion separately - that we don't see them as twins - never the less identical ones.  Alexander seems like a completely different person than Matthew - much older and wiser.  In some ways he even seems older than Christopher, if that makes sense.  Perhaps it only does to Sean and I - or to other parents whose "club" we have unfortunately joined.

The other day in the car driving up to Yale, I said to Sean that I keep picturing Alexander asking, "Why not me?"  Meaning he fought for so long for his brother, but also fought for himself when the time came as well.  And I keep picturing him asking, "Why not me too?" with respect to living.  And that I felt horrible because I didn't have an answer for him.  Sean commented that he believed that Alexander wouldn't ask that - that he accepted his course.  I know in my heart that is true.  I know that he is completely selfless - so much so that he would never ask a question like that.  Rather I am projecting my own selfishness in a sense on him.  I know that if Alexander could speak right now, he wouldn't be asking "Why not me too?"  Instead he would probably say something like, "It's OK Mommy.  I'm OK.  It's going to be OK."  Alexander, you are truly selfless.  I wish I could be more like you.


The Good

Matthew's vent settings went back to pretty close to pre-extubation attempt.  He has continued to tolerate feeds well, and we hope this continues.


The Bad

Because the vent settings were turned down a bit more, Matthew has been a little more finicky.  Any and all prayers are welcome to help Matthew to get off the vent as soon as possible.  Today I tried to explain to him that he could get that annoying thing out of his mouth, but that it was really just up to him.

Still no kangaroo as this morning my voice was pretty much gone.  It was back(ish) once I got up, but again I don't want to risk anything.  All of the ladies in my dept at school know that this happens to me at this time every year.  Shout out to Carley S. who the first year it happened came in to be my "voice" one day in the class I took over from her (that she took over from Michele!)  Now she has been taking over one of my classes long-term while I have been out.


The Ugly

No ugly for Matthew today - fingers crossed that continues.  Unfortunately the preparations for Alexander bring with it an ugly sadness.