Today is Matthew's 1 week birthday, and it was also 1 week ago that we realized we were almost certainly going to lose Alexander. I remember being wheeled in to see him, after several hours in the recovery room. Of the two boys he was closest to the door and so he was the one I saw first. I had prepared myself to see babies that were super tiny but both Alexander and Matthew looked bigger and less scary than I thought. Alexander had a beauty about him that was indescribable, and this continued throughout the day even as his health waned. In those wee hours of the morning we were hopeful, but by the time breakfast came it was clear Alexander was very sick. He had an aggressive infection (and so they gave him a third antibiotic), needed several blood transfusions, went on the oscillating vent at 100% oxygen, and was having trouble controlling his blood pressure. As Sean and I sat in the hospital room that day, he text me (not being able to get the words out) saying that if Alexander didn't make it, what about changing Matthew John to Matthew Alexander. We both agreed. Later that afternoon when the doctor told us he had a pneumothorax and needed a chest tube, we were actually a little relieved. We thought perhaps fixing that would start a cascade of healing events. But unfortunately any positive response from Alexander was transient, and he was on all of the medications and interventions they could possibly give him. Even with one problem staying barely under control, another would pop right up. By the nighttime we had a chaplain come to do an emergency baptism, and we prepared for our final moments with Alexander. We went off to bed to get a quick catnap, expecting to be woken up with "the call" an hour or so later. When we made it through the night without a call, we were hopeful. In the morning he was still stable(ish), and we clung to the idea that maybe if we could give him more time the antibiotics could take effect and he could turn around. The next day revealed a level 3 bleed on one side and a possible level 2 on the other side, which would only be exacerbated by the nitrous oxide they were using for his lungs. He also had another pneumothorax, this time on the other side of his chest. I remember Sean coming into my room to deliver the news, and before he said anything I looked at him and said, "It's time?" It was a question that I already knew the answer to.
We went down and saw Alexander, and you could tell he did not look good. I got to hold him while he was on his vent for quite a while, and I talked to him and sang to him - or at least I tried to through all of my tears. He looked right into my eyes the whole time. When he finally looked away I knew he was getting ready. I gave him to Sean so that he could have his time with him. We then went into a separate room where the doctor brought in Alexander - no tubes, no wires. Just him. I could finally see his little mouth and sweet tongue inside. She handed him to me and he moved once or twice, and then passed quickly and quietly. Some babies gasp for air but I think at that point Alexander had fought all he could. His short time on earth had come to an end.Alexander, thank you for everything you sacrificed for your brother. We know you will always be with him and that you will always hold a special place in our hearts.
Updates on Matthew
The Good
Today was another stable day for Matthew, which again is great news. He has continued to poop in his diaper - still meconium. He is also up to 6cc of breast milk every 2 hours. He seems to be tolerating the breast milk well (knock on wood) and I certainly do everything I can to provide as much as possible for him. Today was also the first day they lowered the humidity in his isolette.
The Bad
No real bad news today. Fingers crossed it stays that way. Again he seemed to have a few times he forgot to breathe.
The Ugly
Simply the emotion behind Alexander's passing. Alexander's spot in the NICU has been empty until today. I would have put the entire story down here, but I didn't want to make it seem like Alexander was an afterthought or that I was trying to bury what happened to him.
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